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Friday, April 27, 2012

Taser Friday?

Right, so it's 8:13 on Friday morning.  I should not have to charge the taser.  I think it should be against the law - this should be a federal law mind you - for stupid people to even breathe on Fridays (and Saturdays, and Sundays, and Mondays, and....).  I've determined my first official business after I finish school (in 7 weeks, by the way) will be to use my new bachelor's degree to figure out how to create a phone taser.

Yes, you heard me correctly.  I think this will be a great seller and a big hit with those of us poor saps that deal with bill collection.  I, personally, also think it would be a pretty decent seller as an add-on with cell phone purchases.  Just think - if your husband, wife, daughter, son, mother-in-law, etc. is pissing you off by saying something aboslutely ignorant on the phone, you can just tap a little button and they get a bit of a jolt.  How is that not perfect?  Granted, people would most likely completely stop calling me (which is fine - I hate talking on the phone anway).

So, here's what set off this rant today.  I checked the voicemail this morning and of course we have Captain Douchebag calling in telling us how stupid we are because he doesn't have f&*$ing medicaid, just f&%$ing medicare.  I checked out his account.  Sure enough, we billed medicare, they left a copay, we billed medicaid - TO TRY TO HELP HIM OUT - since he used to have it.  Medicaid denied, we billed him.  Regardless, on the voicemail he called us stupid about 7 times. 

Now, here's the thing, you can call me just about anything and I can handle it.  I am called a bitch, a fucking bitch, an asshole, etc. on a daily basis.  No big deal.  When you call me stupid, though, the fucking gloves come off.  I assure you, Captain Douchebag, I am NOT stupid.  I'm also 95% sure that I am FAR more educated than you can even dream of being.

I decided to call Captain Douchebag at 7:55 this morning - yes, I purposely called him before 8 just to be an asshole.  He answered the phone and this is how the conversation went....

"This is Captain Douchebag."

"Hi, Mr. Captain Douchebag, this is Jamie from (my work) returning your phone call from yesterday."

He is, of course, not quite awake, "Oh, right, oh. Ummm."

I, being the angel that I am, "helped" him out. "I believe you had a question about your bill?"

And now begins the fun part.....

Captain Douchebag takes a deep breath and in a shakey voice states, "Oh yeah, well, I'd love to pay you, but God told me that I am going to be dead before Saturday. So, I won't be able to pay you."

I am obviously taken a bit by surprise on this one, however, I can't resist a jab or two...."I see.  Did God also tell you to tell us how stupid we are?"

We now have full blown tears from CD. "No, no, no, you're not stupid.  You're not stupid at all.  No, I just won't be able to pay you.  My priest even called to tell me good-bye."

As I have mentioned before, I am a heartless bitch.  I could sense that this phone call was only going to get worse, so I said, "Ok then.  Well, thanks anyways and rest in peace."

*sigh*  Of course I did not hang up fast enough.  I then have to hear a 10 minute rant about how he's going to die by Saturday (can't you just say tomorrow, dude?!) because he can't call his doctor until they open (I did suggest 911) and God told him and the priest told him.  He did then share that the priest actually said, "See you at 4 o'clock mass Saturday."  Not really sure how he got how that was the priest calling to say good-bye but whatever.

I did attempt to be helpful and offer some words of encouragement but he even screwed that up.  When I was actually being nice, CD says to me, "Well you're not catholic, so I don't care what you have to say.  You don't know what you're talking about anyways."

-_____-     REALLY?!?!  YOU, sir, are exactly the kind of religious jackass that I cannot stand.  I then imagined my phone taser going haywire and said (again), "Whatever, Mr. Captain Douchebag.  Rest in peace." 

And, I hung up.


  1. hahah wow, I mean I deal with at work, but your stories are just amazing. LOL I don't think I would have been able to tell him to rest in peace without laughing my ass off, hyperventilating...

  2. LOL I think I'll tell the next biller that calls, "God told me I was going to win the lotto, so if you could just hold off til next week, I'll pay it in full then" Bwahahahaha! At least he was creative.