Sunday, July 24, 2011

Self-Hatred but not to the extreme...

I'm going to say this to get it out of the way.  No one needs to respond to this.  I don't post my blog because I need a response.  I post a blog because I need to vent.  If you choose to read it, great - but I'm not asking you to comment.

There are only a chosen few people who really know me.  I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping most of me hidden for the most part.  I have managed to construct some damn fine walls to keep most people away from the parts of me that I do not feel the need to share with just anyone.  That said, most people who are at least relatively close to me know that I have self-image issues.  This is nothing new.

My self-image issues are not much different from those which all teenage girls go through.  The difference is that where most teenage girls find ways to get past it, I never did.  So, here I sit in my mid-thirties still struggling and in some ways struggling far more now than I did 20 years ago.  I'm sure I could give all the reasons why it is that I am this way, but I won't.  I don't want to share them all and to be honest, I probably don't know them all.  I think I'm just wired wrong.

I hate myself and have for so long it's stupid.  I try not to say to much about it at home because I don't want my kids to be this way.  But I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to get ready for work in the morning and look at myself in the mirror when all I want to do is cry because of what I see.  I don't tell people how bad it is because people often think that those of us with this self-hatred issue just do it for attention.

I would like to assure you that this is not an attention getting ploy.  Most of the time, I would much rather people not look at me.  I don't want to draw attention to myself for fear of hearing the insult or seeing the look of disgust on their face.  Many of you will sit back and read this and roll your eyes or scoff at me for being stupid, but you have no idea how much this hurts.  

Self-hatred is not something I am making up.  It's very real and often overlooked.  It's also referred to as "autophobia."  It is the name for someone having an extreme dislike of or a terrible rage against oneself. I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this today.  Probably just because I'm having one of "those" days, but whatever.