Saturday, March 31, 2012

Please....just stop....

I am a firm believer in higher education - obviously, I'm in college now, right?  Here's the thing, some of the people in my classes are so....what's the word??  How can I say this nicely...hmmm, nope, I can't.  Some of these people are so fucking stupid they just need to drop out and go work at McDonald's or something.  I get that not everyone can write.  I also know that we've got a pretty damn good (incredibly nit picky) grammar checker that can be used thru school so that SHIT like this doesn't get posted...

"I agree with you in regards that there are times when is not necessary to disclose information to everyone. From the owners stand point is different that the employees' view. Having a lawsuit in the financial statements only when it meets the requirements to have it disclose. If you disclose a lawsuit that is not necessary can hurt the company when applying for a loan or looking for investors to invest in the company."

Seriously?  What the fuck does that even say?  Please do not tell me that you actually expect me to come up with some form of response to that.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Why do I coach?

So, we had the gymnastics banquet this evening.  First, let me say, I HATE DESPISE DEPLORE public speaking.  I always have.  So, as always, and in typical Jamie fashion, I joked.  I write far better than I speak.  I'm WAY too emotional to speak.  I coach because I love this sport.  They say "those who can't do, coach." In many cases, I call bullshit, however, for me and this sport, that is accurate.  I also coach because - regardless of what I said tonight - I love kids....usually. 

Given the opportunity and if I was capable of sounding like a normal person and not a big dumb oaf, here is what I might have said this no particular order...but straight from my heart...

Dakota - I only had the opportunity to actually coach you a few times.  In all honesty, at the beginning of the season, I was unsure if you and I would get along.  In the end, you were my right hand girl.  When I was too busy doing other things, you took control of the camera and took some KILLER pictures.  You made me laugh multiple times and I wish you the best in all that you do.  I must admit, I'm rather sad that I never got a picture of the day with you. Make sure you keep in touch - some day I will get that picture.

Alyssa - Oh my.  What can I say!?!  You've got amazing talent and you're hysterical.  I can't even begin to pick just one favorite moment with you!  The time you ran across the beam totally skipping your switch leap?  How about clipping your feet on the bar in your fly away and then asking if you could do it again?  Better yet, the fact that I couldn't watch your bar routine EVER?  You're amazing!  I'm so insanely proud of what you accomplished this year.  Best wishes and PLEASE keep in touch!

Pelt - That dang laughter.  How many times did you kill handstands against the wall because you started laughing which then made everyone else laugh?  Oh wait - how about the time you crotched the beam and then rolled around on the floor yelling "my ass cheeks hurt!!!"  Wow.  You made everything fun.  Thank you, best wishes and keep in touch!

Christie - Ah yes, another one of those girls that I wasn't sure I would be able to bond with.  Many times you gave me grief - BUT you worked for me.  Thank you.  I can't pick a favorite memory, but I will be eternally grateful for you introducing me to Marcel.  P.S. Mt. Dew is the best gift ever :)  Best wishes to you as well and you will keep in touch.

Chloe - It's funny, I was pretty sure for the first month or so of practice that you hated me.  It doesn't matter whether you did or didn't - because I determined somewhere along the lines that I adored you.  Your facial expressions always made me laugh and your determination is something I wish everyone had.  I wish the season had ended differently for you, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to coach you.  Best wishes and keep in touch - or I will randomly text bomb you.

Taylor - aka Bruiser :)  Wow, it's funny how small the world is.  I remember when you were little and bouncing into Great Lakes with your little pig tails.  You were one of my favorite kids then because you have this bubbly spirit about you.  I love that you are still that way.  I love that you work your tail off and that you encourage everyone.  I'm glad that I get to be a part of your life again.  Can't wait for next year!

Sam - Hmmm, what to say?!  You make me laugh.  The things that come out of your mouth never cease to amaze me.  I realize that I haven't coached you much - but I will tell you are a great gymnast with even greater potential.  I hope at some point (soon) you will realize just how good you are.  I'm sure next year will be filled with more fabulous "Sam quotes."

Madison - aka Patrick. Pretty sure I'm just going to change your name in my phone to Patrick.  Another of my former Great Lakes kids.  Ah, it does my heart good.  Now, as long as we get that fly away for next year, life is good.  Otherwise, you may be tortured over and over and get the idea.  You made me laugh so many times - thank you.  Next year is going to be stellar.

Melissa - You amazed me the first time I saw you.  I don't think I've ever seen anyone just do a front walkover on beam with no fear.  WOW.  You work so hard all the time - it's almost inhuman :)  I also love the fact that you always listened to what I had to say.  It sounds crazy, but it meant a lot.  Thank you!  I think next year will bring good things for you.

Katelyn - I think what Kristyn said was pretty accurate.  You went from 10 bazillion falls to none.  How?  Sheer grit and determination.  You are so graceful and beautiful - I love it.  The best part - you're not just graceful and beautiful on beam or at dance - it's just who you are.  You are a beautiful young lady and I feel so blessed to be a part of your life.  Next year will be even bigger and better. 

Jazmyne - You are so strong and relatively fearless....except of course when it comes to vault, but let's not talk about that!  It amazes me that we give you an idea to try something and you not only attempt it but manage to pull it off.  You're amazing!  I'm so glad that we have 3 more years to make you into the phenomenal gymnast that you are capable of being!  

Angelica - Good grief.  That dang hair!  We will find a way to keep it out of your face.  There will be NO hair flicking during competitions next year or you will be running suicides constantly :)  You have made great progress this year and have the potential to be fabulous.  I'm looking forward to taking part in creating this fabulousness!!

Kiara - Ya poor kid!  What kind of bum luck is it that you crash and burn early on and break a toe.  I know that next year will be better when you are able to fully train.  I was highly impressed with the skills you gained this year and can't wait to see what next year brings.

Gracie - Girl, you've come leaps and bounds from where you were when you and I first stepped into a gym together.  You've done an amazing job and even after crotching the beam - you've kept going.  Your determination is amazing and I'm very proud of you.  Keep working hard - we've got three more years to make you even more fabulous!

Dominique - It's never easy to get back on the beam after taking a hard fall.  I'm so happy that you continued to work!  You made many improvements this year and I see great things for you in the future.

Teryn - I don't even know what to say.  You made me laugh so many times!  I hope that next year we don't have any issues with snot flying in the middle of your back tucks but if we do, I'm sure it will be ok :)  In some ways, I watched you evolve on floor.  Your tumbling improved in a big way and your jumps got bigger and better.  Let's shoot for a 9 next year!

Nikki - Oh Nickles Chickles.  You and I - we have our issues.  You're like another daughter for me so I expect more.  That doesn't always work in your favor and we tend to butt heads.  The bottom line is you have potential for greatness if you work for it.  I believe in you.  Let's see what you've got!

Leona - aka Jania Junior.  I remember walking into tryouts that first day and just staring at you.  You and Jania are so much alike.  You look alike and your talent is very much alike.  You have great power - you just need to learn how to use it properly.  Together, we can make you fabulous - as long as you are willing to work.

Alexis - Your floor routine and beam routine always make me smile.  Why?  Because YOU always smile.  There is nothing better than watching a gymnast who enjoys what she is doing.  You make it fun.  You make being in the gym fun.  YOU are fun!  I can't wait to see what next year brings for you!!

Jessica - I love to see how much you have grown from when you were a little girl at Twistars with Meg.  You are an amazing gymnast and I hope to see more of your amazingness next year!

Jenny - Last but definitely not least.  Thank you.  Thank you for being a huge helper for me.  Thank you for helping me coach.  Thank you for being the motivator when I am a little too harsh. Thank you for motivating me to be a better coach and a better person. I wish this year had been different for you but am excited for next year.


It's not just about the girls, though.  It's about the coaches as well.

Jenny - Thanks for helping me understand high school gymnastics and what it's all about. This year has been a heck of an adventure! :)

Nicole - Thanks for making me feel old....just kidding...sort of.  It sucks that I'm so dang old that I remember when YOU were a little girl competing at Great Lakes.  I'm glad I've had the chance to work with you and am looking forward to next year.

Kristyn - Wow.  I don't know what to say.  You took a chance with me. You allowed some crazy old lady that you'd never met come in and work with your kids.  Thank you.  I learned A LOT from you.  Our conversations on the bus rides and during practice and all the other times - well, they've been fun.  The best part is, though, that I feel that I've made a new friend and that is the most important thing of all!  Thank you.

So, in conclusion - THAT is why I coach.  This is what I love and these are the people I love.  And now that I'm all sappy and crying - good night.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


Do you have those days that are so etched in your memory that there is absolutely nothing about them that you will forget?  Can you remember exactly when you got up that morning and what you were doing?  Maybe I'm just weird.  Or maybe this day is so a part of me, who I am, who I was, who I have become that it will never dull.  It never goes away.  It doesn't fade.  If anything there are some years that I feel it's more clear than it has ever been.

17 years ago almost exactly at this moment I was walking back into my dorm room.  I had been up most of the previous night.  Wait - that's not true either...I had slept some, and was then wide awake at around 3 a.m. vomiting.  No, I hadn't been drinking.  I slept for a bit and then got up to go to my dreaded 8 a.m. math class.  (What kind of complete idiot schedules a math class at 8 o'clcok in the morning on a Wednesday?)  I made it to class.  I sat down and took out my book and calculator.  Then the tears started. 

I knew at that moment that I had to leave.  I packed my backpack up and pretty much ran back to my dorm room - tears streaming down my face the whole way.  I made it to my door and as I was unlocking it, I heard the phone ringing.  I didn't need to answer the phone, although I did.  I knew that it was the call I had been expecting.  I knew she had died.  I knew that my hero, my right arm, the one person I could count on, the most amazing woman on the planet, my best friend was gone. 

I was right.  After a courageous hard fought battle, she finally decided that it was time to go.  The cancer did not win, but she was ready. At 19 years old she had outlived every death sentence they gave her. She got engaged. She planned her own funeral. She was amazing.

Have I ever fully dealt with it?  No. Will I? I don't know.  I know that that part of my life had such a huge impact on me that moving past it sometimes seems impossible or maybe unbearable.  I miss her.  I remember the days following. I remember a friend picking me up from college and taking me to my aunt's. I remember my mom picking me up from my aunts and taking me home.  I remember standing outside the funeral home and having a HUGE temper tantrum.  I knew it was going to happen and I still couldn't accept it. I remember being so completely devastated during the funeral that I did not think I would be able to sit through it.  I remember weeks later still not being able to function.  I remember it all. 

I'm ok now - usually.  That is not to say that I am completely "over it" but that I am adjusted.  That is not to say that 17 years later that I don't cry still.  I do - I am. 

RIP LAN, your strength, beauty, humor, intelligence, and courage have not been and never will be forgotten. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Go's Tuesday

See, I woke up this morning and thought "it's going to be a good day."  I was mostly right, for a while anyways.  I mean, work went well - no issues.  Yep, you heard me right, no issues.  Then I got home - husband's fine, kids are fine.  The problem?  ANOTHER FUCKING ZIT.  You have no idea what this does to me.  This is like a fate worse than death for me.  I am so self-concious and insecure that this is like being stabbed in the chest for me.  I spent years with a face so hideously ugly that small children ran screaming to their mothers.  I got that fixed.  Right, well, apparently that's going to be me again.  Goody.

Second, when I recovered from that, I started pondering life.  Specifically the fact that I have been sitting here on the couch for the past hour or so and haven't spoken more than 5 words to anyone.  Megan's studying for exams. Jason's upstairs "reading a book" (which translates into playing bball in his room; and Phil was folding laundry and then on the computer.

My point is that there was so little actual interaction in this house it was depressing.  I swear as soon as school is done and I no longer feel like I have to be glued to this computer, I'm going to declare technology free days.  I miss talking with people I love.

*sigh*  And now I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Why is it always Tuesday?!?!?!

I try to have a positive attitude on Tuesdays.  I try to wake up believing it will be a good day.  I make every effort for it to be a good day.  I'm determined, however, that the fucking Tuesday fairy floats over my head dumping shit on me all day just to be an asshole.  So, for your reading amusement - here are the assholes (or asshole things) pissing me off today...

1. I have a zit.  I realize that doesn't seem like a huge issue, however I paid a flaming asston of money being on Acutane for a year and getting stabbed in the face to ensure that I would not have zits.  It would be ok, except for the fact that it's the size of my right boob.  So, I now have a third boob....only it's on my fucking face.  AND that little fucking Tuesday fairy is really being a prick about it because I don't even have PMS.  W.T.F.

2. Bill collectors are also assholes.  My car payment is a couple days late.  By a couple I mean "Oh shit, that was due 4 days ago and I just now remembered."  I do not mean - it's been a few months.  So, here's the thing, if my bill is past due, but not yet past the 10 day grace period....DON'T FUCKING CALL ME.  Right, so I get to work this morning and there's a voicemail from this jackass in India who says "Dees message for Jommie K....k...k...Kayleena." WHO THE FUCK IS JOMMIE KAYLEENA?!?!?  "You call me at....(insert some fucking number I didn't write down)."  Whatever.  Leave me alone - the check's in the mail moron.  Hahahahaha, just kidding, he called me 3 hours later - pretty sure he said his name was "Joe."  ^ _- Do I look fucking stupid?  Your name is not Joe. 

3. To make the day even better, someone "special" to me was kind enough to point out that I'm a fucking disgusting fat ass.  I would like to extend a heart felt thank you....and by heart felt I mean....could you come here please so I can rip your "heart" out by way of your throat?  Fuck you very much, have a nice day.

4. Do I need to discuss the extern?  She's at least - AT LEAST - 500lbs....and she smells.  Did I mention she sits in my office?  FML

5.  People who say they are fat and need to lose weight when they are perfect.  Hey, asshole, guess what???  I hope you choke.  

That's all for now.  I'm sure I'll be back later.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The things I do...

Some of you may recall a comment I made yesterday...something along the lines of "oh the things I do for these doctors."  Well, let me just tell you the story.  You may not find it as funny as we did, but I'm going to share anyway.  

Yesterday morning, one of the doc's called and asked for a favor.  Now, luckily for him, I did not answer the call.  My bff Carri answered the phone.  This doctor asked if one of us could go upstairs to another doctor's office and pick up this tanning thing for him.  Apparently it was some form of tanning apparatus that you can use at home.  I guess he's going on vacation and wants to get a base tan or something equally as cheesy.  Carri laughed while she spoke to him but delivered the message to me.  She couldn't go get it because she is VERY pregnant and we weren't sure the size.  I, being the asshole that I am, ran to my computer and shot him a text page that said, "OMG - are you seriously kidding me??"

He, of course, called right back. Initially he asked to speak to me but then recanted and decided that Carri (in her hysterical laughter) could just deliver a message.  It was something along the lines of "tell her I'm going to send her pictures of me all tan in my thong."  I don't remember exactly what it was, but it did force me to run back to my computer and shoot him another text page.  This one said, "I just puked a little in my mouth." 

I then ran upstairs, like the good gopher that I am, and got his stupid tanning thingy.  When I returned to my office, I put a note on it that said, "Happy Tanning,  Dr. Pretty Boy."

Well, this morning, I got to work and found this....

Can you read it??  It says, "The tanner worked great!!  Look at all the color I got in just one night.  Now look who's laughing."  

Dr. Pretty Boy came to visit us later...

Unfortunately the picture isn't very good because I couldn't stop laughing when I was trying to take it, but his face is actually BEET red.  It's absolutely hysterical and pretty much made my day!!!!!