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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Emotionally and Mentally Exhausted

So there's pretty much only one other time in my life that I remember feeling like this.  Oddly enough, it was right before we left the gym.  I'm overwhelmed.  Now, before you all start talking about how you know how I feel and that you totally understand or telling me to just buck up and deal with it.  SHUT THE HELL UP.  Very few people know what I'm talking about.  I'm not saying my life is any worse than anyone elses.  As a matter of fact, my life is pretty damn good.  All I'm saying is right now - at this moment - I am just shy of a breakdown...again.

Those of you that were around when we left the gym know what my "life" was like then...7-3 at the "real" job, home to change, 4-9 in the gym.  Doesn't seem like a big deal except for the fact that I NEVER saw my family unless we were in the gym and I did it 5 days a week for about 6 years.  I missed all of Jason's first year of soccer.  I missed all school events.  I forgot what my husband looked like...ok, maybe not but still.

Anyways, I'm there again. I'm THAT overwhelmed.  Work, school, kids' school, kids' sports, etc.  I know there are plenty of other people out there that do the same thing and probably handle it better.  It doesn't help that I just (sort of) finished taking what my advisor said was the hardest class I will take and had to spend days (as in all day long and well into the evening) studying and doing homework.  It doesn't help that I was in a group (for school) with people who couldn't be bothered to do their work so on top of doing my own I had to do theirs as well.  It doesn't help that I feel like I have to be there for everyone else all the time. 

I've always been that way - if you need me - call me, text me, email me - whatever.  The catch is, though,  who's going to be there for me?  Who's there for me today when I am so close to tears from exhaustion and frustration that if I blink they will fall?  I can count 11 people who will respond and say that they will be there...the reality of it is, though,  there are pretty much only 2 who will actually listen and get me through.

Yes, I'm having a pity party.  I'm beyond tired.  I hate school.  I want to be done.  (PS kids - go to college after high school...don't wait until you're an old fart like me).  I want to be able to relax.  I want to be able to enjoy spending time with my kids.  I want to be able to go on a summer vacation before they are too old to appreciate it.  I want to be able to go on a date.  I would love to be able to have the time to dance. 

Instead, I will go home and cry myself to sleep.

2 comments:

  1. You better be counting me as one of those 2! :D Sorry you're feeling so low, lmk if there's anything I can do.

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  2. You have been there for me and I am a pretty good listener. Always ready and able to return the favor. Hang in there!!

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