Wednesday, September 7, 2011

And it continues

It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to put up a good solid brick wall, some people still manage to break through it and hurt me.  I'm pretty good and keeping people out.  There are only a handful of people who actually really know me.  There's a reason for that.  I'm way too sensitive.  I'm a firm believer that if you let people too close, they will inevitably hurt you.  So, I keep most people at arms length.  Chances are if you think you really know me, you're wrong.  There are 3 people on the planet that I tell everything to - and that's it. 

I determined that as much as I try to bury the little girl begging for acceptance that it will never happen.  That little girl doesn't want acceptance from everyone, just that one person.  You know, the one person she will never get it from.  I see the relationship that Megan has with Phil and am jealous as hell.  What little girl doesn't want that adoring father? 

18 years have gone by since I met him for the first time.  Why it took until I was 17 to meet him and why I had to go looking for him is annoying in and of itself, but it is what it is.  The fact that over the past 18 years I have spent more time hurting because of him is ludicrous.  And just when I think that I'm ok and that nothing can hurt me, it happens again.

Why I allow this to continue happening, I don't know.  I'm obviously not as strong as I pretend to be.  There are some people who will read this and defend him.  The thing is, you can defend him until the day you die, but the bottom line is - it's bullshit.  He "loves" only those that are constantly in his face.  That's why he loves you in his own sick and demented way.  That's why he loves the youngest and the oldest two - they are around him.  The rest of us are not. 

It's funny that the ones he probably hurt the most are the ones who are for the most part at peace with it.  I'm the odd ball.  I'm the one that as hard as I try that can't get past it.  I'm the one that continues to question (like a two year old) why?  What is wrong with me?  Why am I never good enough?  I busted my ass for a while to try and make him love me.  In the end, it's never enough.

And then today - when for the first time in almost 35 years he shows up for a court hearing and speaks with my mother he never even asked how I was doing.  He didn't even think to ask about my kids - his grandkids that he hasn't seen in years - or my life.  Why?  Well, that's pretty obvious isn't it?  I still don't matter.

And, as usual, my heart breaks and I cry.


  1. You are wrong about one thing. He "loves" no one but himself. He wants what gives him pleasure when he wants it. He is incapable of love in the sense that a father loves his children. Mores the shame. He does not value his children for the wonderful human beings they are and the successful impressive young adults they have become without him. He doesn't deserve anyone of you.