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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What's the point

So I might be a little frustrated.  Ok, in all honesty, it's not just frustration.  It's hurt and disappointed and a bit lost.  There's also a bit of feeling like the stupid little kid that doesn't know what she's talking about.  You know, the one that tells you she's going to be a rockstar when she grows up so you smile and say "ok honey" and roll your eyes the minute she walks away.

Right now, I'm that kid. I've always been a dreamer.  I wanted to be a famous dancer/olympic gymnast/rockstar/dance studio owner.  Somewhere along the lines, I got a few reality checks.  I'm not stupid.  I know what I'm capable of and I know when dreams are too far-fetched to come true.  Obviously, I'm not going to win the lottery, cure cancer, save Michigan's economy or be Queen of England.  I know that. I guess, though, even though some of my other dreams are big, I thought they were attainable.

Here's where the real Jamie starts showing her true colors.  I thought, even though it would take a lot of work and a lot of schmoozing I could do it.  I guess, maybe I was wrong.  Someone I care very much about doesn't get it.  Unfortunately, for me, I need that person to get it.  I need that person to be on board with me.  I can't do this without that person's full support.  Because that person doubts me - or because that person doesn't really see the need or the point, I doubt myself.  I guess that person is probably right, there's really no point and I probably couldn't make it work anyway.

So what do I do?  I'm back to square-fucking-one.  What the hell am I going to do with my life?  Spend the rest of my life as a medical biller not making enough money to support my family?  That's awesome.  There's nothing I want more out of life than to be a big fat fucking loser. 

Whatever.  I guess, if you look at the big picture, no one really gives a shit and it doesn't really matter.  And this way, I don't have to listen to all the nay-sayers...those that didn't think I was smart enough to pull it off anyways.

Excuse me while I go flush yet another stupid ass dream down the toilet.

3 comments:

  1. DO NOT GIVE UP! You can do it--I know you can. We all have dreams when we are kids that are unattainable but we also have some that are possible. As we grow we are able to sort them and discard the ones we know we can't accomplish. By discard I don't mean throw away and forget about--I mean discard the craziness from the dream/goal and modify it to fit reality. You don't necessarily need the support and confirmation of your goal from others (it does help but isn't necessary). Just believe in yourself and move forward!!!

    Amber Hawkins Marr

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  2. Kudos to Amber. You can do this. You know I will support your effort. What are you going to school for? This will fit right in. If the person not supporting you right now, will give you a chance, he/she might be surprised at what you can accomplish. Look what you have accomplished in the past two years. An Associates Degree...well on your way to a Bachelor's Degree. You are a success. You are dancing again. You pulled off a beautiful wedding for your son and daughter-in-law. You have two wonderful kids at home. You have a husband of almost 11 years. You can do anything you set your mind to. Prove to the nay-sayers that you can. Love you

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  3. I love you, I love you, I love you, and you can do it. Whatever it is you put your mind to, you can do it. I'm sorry that right now you have to go through this hell, but I'm sure it will get better:)

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