Where were you?!

Do you know where you were a year ago today?  I do.  I was in Midland for a soccer tournament.  I also got to spend a good part of the day with Carolynn.  I also remember where I was 8 hours from now a year ago.  I was in the car with Phil and Meg on our way home from the tourney.  Why do I remember?  Well, Alleysha called me first.  She had been on vacation and was in another state - although on her way home.  She said, "Have you talked to Carolynn?"  which honestly I thought was a pretty stupid question cuz I had just spent almost the entire day with Carolynn, but Alleysha didn't know that.  So, we chatted for a second and then I asked her why she asked me that.  She said rather nonchalantly that Chad had gotten into a motorcycle accident, but he just broke his leg or hip or something.  No big deal.

I didn't really think anything of it.  I remember getting off the phone and telling Phil what a moron Chad was for being a dip shit on his bike.  Right, then Carolynn - the one not prone to random hysterical outbursts - called me...hysterical.  She couldn't remember what road Sparrow hospital is on.  She was yelling and crying into the phone.  I finally got her to tell me what was wrong.  All she could manage to spit out was that they couldn't get him stablized. 

I remember hanging up the phone that time and gradually increasing my normal 80mph highway speed to 85.  I remember running through my head all the reasons why I had taken a hiatus from the family.  I remember thinking about everything I had missed.  I remember thinking my brother was going to die and I wasn't going to get there in time.

We all know I don't deal well with death.  I have never in my life felt so totally in control and in a complete state of sheer panic all at once.  I drove my car in silence crying.  I had no idea how I was going to push my way back into a family that I had pushed away 5(ish) years before, but I knew that I was going to try.  At that moment I needed them more than anything.

We got home at around 7.  At that point Carolynn had told me Chad was stable enough for them to airlift him to U of M.  We still didn't know what all was wrong with him, but we knew it wasn't good.  That may have been one of the longest nights of my life.  The multiple phone calls from sisters giving me updates or at least information or even just calling to cry.

Where the following 3(ish) weeks are a bit of a jumble, I still remember some of it.  I remember seeing him for the first time laying there with tubes sticking out everywhere and frickin metal bars poking out of his head.  I remember when he said "I love you" for the first time after the accident.  I have to tell you, nothing is more beautiful than those 3 words coming from someone you think you may never hear it from again.  I remember Jay - the most amazing nurse EVER - giving full information on what was wrong with Chad.  I remember the day they moved him to a different room - and crying my eyes out that he could actually look at and talk to us.  I remember the endless hours sitting in the waiting room with my sisters and knowing that even though I pushed them all away that they were still my sisters and that they loved me. 

I wish the accident had never happened - for all of our sakes but especially Chad's.  The thing is, that accident brought me back to some people that mean the world to me.  I don't want to think about how things would be if the end of the story was different.  All I know is my brother is alive and doing damn good and I have my family back.

The Three F's

I'm the kind of person who will give props to companies who I feel earn it.  That said, I am also the kind of person who will tear a business apart if they screw up.  So, let's talk.  The three F's for today are:  FANTASTIC FINDS FAIL.


Right, so I've been in a few weddings...*snicker* Let me first say, I have no idea why anyone would want me in their wedding.  I'm not the nicest person on the planet.  However, in these weddings, there have never been any major mishaps.  We might have had disagreements on the colors or styles of dresses or disagreements about other little things, but never anything that was potentially disastrous.


Please fast forward to the current wedding.  My little sister, Alley, is getting married on September 10, 2011.  I am blessed and honored to have been asked to be a bridesmaid in this wedding.  On May 1 we ordered and paid for our dresses.  There are only 3 of us - shouldn't be that difficult.  2 dresses are chocolate brown and 1 is an olive/minty greenish.  


One month ago, Alleysha found out that the chocolate brown dresses had been ordered in the wrong color.  MIND YOU - they told us that we were going to be pushing it to get the dresses in in enough time to have alterations done.  Fine, accidents happen.  Whatever.  The issue was taken care of and they corrected the problem, right?


Alleysha sent me a text today to let me know that my dress was in.  Scuse me? Why did they not notify me?  The best part - they didn't call her either.  They called my other sister.  They did not call the bride or the maid of honor.  They called the other bridesmaid. (please note the raised eyebrow)  Yeah, I was annoyed.  If my dress is in, you need to call me. I paid for the damn thing.  You charged MY credit card.  NOTIFY ME.  So, Alley gave them hell for being stupid as she was told that they had "sent out letters" to notify us.  You're kidding me, right?


The last wedding I was in, when the dress came in, I got an email AND a phone call.  So, I called the morons.  I am told that they do not make phone calls.  I asked if that is the case, why did you call one of the other bridesmaids??  The response??  Nervous titter "Ohhh, I just don't know."  Fine, whatever.  I will pick it up.


I drive to Fantastic Fuck Ups this evening to pick up my dress.  The woman brings me a dress.  It CLEARLY states on the label that it is "mocha" colored.  I don't know where these people learned their colors, but the dress is OBVIOUSLY NOT mocha.  It's no kind of brown whatsoever.  So, I fix her with the stupid stare and state, "that's the wrong color."  She gives me the deer in the headlights look and says, "it is?"  Because I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about.  She then rushes to her computer proceeds to hmmmm and ohhhh and mmmmhmmmm.  She informed me that she would contact them immediately but not before she does a little gasp and says, "Oh dear, this is an early September wedding."  


Well no shit, ya damn genius.  That is also clearly labeled on the stupid tag.  So where are we at now?  I have no idea.  The dress is the wrong color.  The wedding is in 6 weeks and I'm apparently just going to have to pray that my fat ass will fit into whatever I end up wearing.


Did I mention that my sister is a complete and utter basket case right now (and rightly so)?!?!?  *sigh*  Love you, Alleycat.  This will work out.

Self-Hatred but not to the extreme...

I'm going to say this to get it out of the way.  No one needs to respond to this.  I don't post my blog because I need a response.  I post a blog because I need to vent.  If you choose to read it, great - but I'm not asking you to comment.


There are only a chosen few people who really know me.  I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping most of me hidden for the most part.  I have managed to construct some damn fine walls to keep most people away from the parts of me that I do not feel the need to share with just anyone.  That said, most people who are at least relatively close to me know that I have self-image issues.  This is nothing new.


My self-image issues are not much different from those which all teenage girls go through.  The difference is that where most teenage girls find ways to get past it, I never did.  So, here I sit in my mid-thirties still struggling and in some ways struggling far more now than I did 20 years ago.  I'm sure I could give all the reasons why it is that I am this way, but I won't.  I don't want to share them all and to be honest, I probably don't know them all.  I think I'm just wired wrong.


I hate myself and have for so long it's stupid.  I try not to say to much about it at home because I don't want my kids to be this way.  But I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to get ready for work in the morning and look at myself in the mirror when all I want to do is cry because of what I see.  I don't tell people how bad it is because people often think that those of us with this self-hatred issue just do it for attention.


I would like to assure you that this is not an attention getting ploy.  Most of the time, I would much rather people not look at me.  I don't want to draw attention to myself for fear of hearing the insult or seeing the look of disgust on their face.  Many of you will sit back and read this and roll your eyes or scoff at me for being stupid, but you have no idea how much this hurts.  


Self-hatred is not something I am making up.  It's very real and often overlooked.  It's also referred to as "autophobia."  It is the name for someone having an extreme dislike of or a terrible rage against oneself. I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this today.  Probably just because I'm having one of "those" days, but whatever.

Bill collectors that can suck my A$$

So, back in the day, I may have had some issues paying some bills.  As in I never had any money and never paid medical bills.  All this resulted in my credit being in the toilet.  I realized (a bit later than I should have) that my credit being in the toilet was not doing me any favors.  So, for the past, roughly, 9 years I have busted my ass to repair my credit.  It's pretty good now - not great yet, but pretty damn good.

Medical bills I am pretty quick to pay along with the normal day to day stuff.  Why?  Cuz regardless what people tell you, medical bills DO make a difference on your credit.  Those looking at your credit to consider whether they want to loan you money WILL look at those medical bills. 

Right, so, the purpose for my blog (because I'm rather pissed off at the moment - of course) is this woman that called me today.  I understand that it's not her fault and she's just doing her job, but if you're going to call me and harrass me YOU BETTER FUCKING LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

Here's the scenario - in January of 2008 we ended up at the hospital for a child.  It was nothing major - but some of the services had to be done at the hospital.  I, being the loyal employee that I am, chose to go to, um where I thought I should? (F.A.I.L.). Never in my life have I come across more incompetent billing staff.  I've got no beef with the doctors/nurses, but GOOD FRICKIN GOD YOU ASSHOLES, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.  Anyway, I received a bill for a portion of my deductible.  It was around $66.  So, I called them to make a payment over the phone as I thought that would be easier than sending a check. *insert hysterical laughter here.*

I call.  I speak to some dumb ass twit who takes my credit card number, expiration date, cv code, street address, and zip code.  Fabulous.  So it's all good, right?  No, this rinky dink backwards jacked up hillbilly run billing office does not run the card with you on the phone and give you a confirmation number - why?  WELL DUH - because their employees are incompetent jackasses of course.  So, a few weeks later, I get a call from said dumb ass twit.  She tells me my credit card was rejected.

Ok, 5 years ago, it would have been entirely quite possible and pretty probable that my card would be rejected.  Now, absolutely not.  I'm not bragging - we're far from rich, but we make damn sure that there is money in there at all times.  While speaking with the dumb ass twit, it comes to my attention that she is also hard of hearing.  For when I gave her my street numbers of 1560, she heard 1506 and is therefore what was put into the credit card machine.  *sigh*  Fine, accidents happen, no biggie.  So, she once again thanks me and hangs up.

Two weeks later - oh yes, a new dumb ass twit calls me.  My card has been "rejected."  Please refer to the previous paragraph.  Once again we have to go over all of my information and oddly enough, they have fouled up the expiration date.  Right, at this point, I'm slightly annoyed and I told the girl that.  She apologizes profusely, assures me it will be taken care of and hangs up the phone.

Unfortunately, the story does not end here.  We got at least 3 more bills and at least 3 more phone calls from these blithering idiots.  They fouled up the credit card number, the expiration again and something else.  I finally informed them that I was done.  I have attempted to pay the bill multiple times and that the fact that they are stupid is not my problem.  I'm done.  NOT. PAYING. THE. DAMN. BILL.  Eat your stupid $66.

Fast forward to today - I received a phone call at work - which always pisses me off from some woman who started off the conversation after I said hello by saying "Put Phillip on the phone."  Ha.  Yeah, you obviously don't know who you are speaking to.  First of all, don't call me and then dictate orders, bitch.  You want something from me, you better speak nicely.  Second, who the hell is this crazy cow asking for "Phillip" - there are about 3 people on this planet that can get away with calling him that and this unknown elephant on the phone was not one of them.  I, being my polite and kind self said, "Excuse me?"  To which she asked who she was speaking with.  Yep, that annoys the fuck out of me too.  YOU called MY phone.  If you don't know who you're calling, I'm not interested.  Peace out, biotch. 

Of course, right before I hung up - she dropped the "magic" word - debt.  So, I (still being nice-ish) asked what she wanted.  She references the above issue with Ingham.  I started to explain to her the issue and she said - "Whatever your pointless excuses, I am not interested.  I am collecting a debt and none of your foolish sob stories will work on me, I have heard them all.  You need to pay your bill presently or we will take you to court."

Well, as you can imagine, with my calm and quiet tendencies, that went over REAL well....my response to her was - something along the lines of "Go ahead and take me to court for $66.  I documented every conversation I have had about this bill. It's going to cost you more to drag me into court than it will to send me another bill. Do what you have to do."

Here's where she really pissed me off. Her reply?  "You deadbeats are the all same." 

I'm not going to post my reply on here as it was not overly polite.  So, my advice - never ever try to pay a bill local hospitals using your credit card - always send a check.

Homophobia

I am so annoyed with this bullshit I am currently hearing on the radio.  I know that there are people out there that are homophobic and that's ok.  I'm not.  I have no issue with homosexuality.  I am a "to each their own" kind of person.  I don't like the flamboyant obnoxious displays of affection - but I am not a fan of that from heterosexuals either.

So, I'm listening to this morning show on a local radio station (that I despise as I feel it is totally inappropriate for anyone under the age of 18 and yet the station targets the younger kids - I digress...).  Today is "free advice Thursday."  This always involves some form of trash calling in to get advice - i.e. the first lady who needed advice on how to get her significant other to "give it up."  *sigh* REALLY?!?!?!  Who calls a radio station for that shit?  Again, I digress.

The second caller is the one that has me all pissed off.  This "mother" calls in about her son.  She is angry at her husband because said husband has not gotten their son involved in sports.  (Apparently it is solely a father's responsibility to get a boy involved in sports).  The son (I missed the kid's age) wants to go to a band camp and some other performance camp.  This woman called in all concerned and asking for advice on what to do because she doesn't want to send her son to band camp because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE HIM TO BE GAY.

You have got to be seriously fucking kidding me.  I'm so damned tired of people judging others.  IT'S NOT YOUR GOD DAMN PLACE.  You don't "catch" homosexuality.  Not every guy that plays an instrument is gay.  Shockingly enough, not every guy that acts is gay either - WILL SMITH YOU MORONS.  Gonna tell me he's gay??? 

What the hell is wrong with people??  What's wrong with gay people??  I have a few gay friends and quite a few gay/lesbian acquaintances.  SO FUCKING WHAT.  They are people - just like you and I.  The only difference is their sex life and to be completely honest with you - I don't want to know about yours, or theirs anymore than I want you to know about mine. 

Yes, there are those of you that are going to ask me if I want my son to be gay.  Duh, of course not.  I hope that both of my kids grow up as heterosexuals, get married, have kids, blah blah blah.  Why?  Not because I would be embarrassed.  NO NO NO.  Because life will be so much harder for them if they are homosexual - look at the number of people reading this judging homosexuals right now.  THAT I do not want for my kids. 

My point here is - if you want to spew your bullshit, don't do it on the radio.  Just makes people like me want to call in and tell you what a low life piece of judgemental garbage you are and to send your husband a check to pay for your son's band camp/music lessons.

Emotionally and Mentally Exhausted

So there's pretty much only one other time in my life that I remember feeling like this.  Oddly enough, it was right before we left the gym.  I'm overwhelmed.  Now, before you all start talking about how you know how I feel and that you totally understand or telling me to just buck up and deal with it.  SHUT THE HELL UP.  Very few people know what I'm talking about.  I'm not saying my life is any worse than anyone elses.  As a matter of fact, my life is pretty damn good.  All I'm saying is right now - at this moment - I am just shy of a breakdown...again.

Those of you that were around when we left the gym know what my "life" was like then...7-3 at the "real" job, home to change, 4-9 in the gym.  Doesn't seem like a big deal except for the fact that I NEVER saw my family unless we were in the gym and I did it 5 days a week for about 6 years.  I missed all of Jason's first year of soccer.  I missed all school events.  I forgot what my husband looked like...ok, maybe not but still.

Anyways, I'm there again. I'm THAT overwhelmed.  Work, school, kids' school, kids' sports, etc.  I know there are plenty of other people out there that do the same thing and probably handle it better.  It doesn't help that I just (sort of) finished taking what my advisor said was the hardest class I will take and had to spend days (as in all day long and well into the evening) studying and doing homework.  It doesn't help that I was in a group (for school) with people who couldn't be bothered to do their work so on top of doing my own I had to do theirs as well.  It doesn't help that I feel like I have to be there for everyone else all the time. 

I've always been that way - if you need me - call me, text me, email me - whatever.  The catch is, though,  who's going to be there for me?  Who's there for me today when I am so close to tears from exhaustion and frustration that if I blink they will fall?  I can count 11 people who will respond and say that they will be there...the reality of it is, though,  there are pretty much only 2 who will actually listen and get me through.

Yes, I'm having a pity party.  I'm beyond tired.  I hate school.  I want to be done.  (PS kids - go to college after high school...don't wait until you're an old fart like me).  I want to be able to relax.  I want to be able to enjoy spending time with my kids.  I want to be able to go on a summer vacation before they are too old to appreciate it.  I want to be able to go on a date.  I would love to be able to have the time to dance. 

Instead, I will go home and cry myself to sleep.

No Tears in Heaven

I've been accused of loving too much - of caring too deeply.  I didn't think that was possible, but I'm beginning to think it's true.  Anyone who really knows me knows that when I love, I love with my entire being.  If you are a part of my life - truly - not just a casual acquaintance chances are, I would do damn near to anything for you. The flaw with this is that tragedy or loss cuts me right to  the core.  


I would like to think I can handle just about anything.  I've had multiple obstacles thrown in my way over the past 34 1/2 years and I've handled them.  Maybe I haven't handled them in the best way all the time, but I got past it.  The one thing I don't or can't seem to figure out how to deal with is death.  It is my biggest fear and one that hovers in my mind all the time.  I'm sure there are any number of reasons for this, and I am well aware that everyone dies, but that does not make it easier for me.  It is the one thing that cuts straight to my heart and is almost debilitating for me.  


My mom and I moved "up there" when I was almost 13.  I don't have hardly any good memories from the 5 years I spent there.  As a matter of fact, I despise it so much there that I avoid going there if at all possible.  The first three months we lived there I cried just about every day.  I wanted to live with my grandparents and go back to school with normal people - you know, people that didn't think it was a treat to go to the mall and "see a real live black person."  Yeah, this is the hell I lived in.  


Anyway, there were a chosen few people that made my life there easier. I made friends with our neighbors out back pretty quick.  I suppose some might think it odd as they were an elderly couple (my grandparents' age). BUT they saved me more than they will ever know.  I enjoyed sharing hot chocolate with Bill and Edna and had a great time chatting with them.  I helped them out around their yard.  They saved my dumb ass dog from her suicide attempts multiple times and they watched out for my mom for me after I moved to Lansing.  


I know my mom is a big girl and can take care of herself, but I'm kind of protective and I hated her living up there all by herself.  Bill and Edna were like my surrogate grandparents.  They treated me like a little adult and a grandchild and made me feel loved in a place where - other than my mom - I felt hated.  


I lost contact - or I should say, I stopped calling, quite a few years ago.  Basically, when I stopped going up there.  My mom kept me informed of how they were and any exciting news.  On the rare occasions that I did go up, I always stopped to say hi.  


My mom told me this morning that Bill passed away.  I am heart broken.  I know he is in a better place and that he is at peace, but as always, I crave that one last hug.


RIP Bill, you will be greatly missed and forever loved.