Where were you?!

Do you know where you were a year ago today?  I do.  I was in Midland for a soccer tournament.  I also got to spend a good part of the day with Carolynn.  I also remember where I was 8 hours from now a year ago.  I was in the car with Phil and Meg on our way home from the tourney.  Why do I remember?  Well, Alleysha called me first.  She had been on vacation and was in another state - although on her way home.  She said, "Have you talked to Carolynn?"  which honestly I thought was a pretty stupid question cuz I had just spent almost the entire day with Carolynn, but Alleysha didn't know that.  So, we chatted for a second and then I asked her why she asked me that.  She said rather nonchalantly that Chad had gotten into a motorcycle accident, but he just broke his leg or hip or something.  No big deal.

I didn't really think anything of it.  I remember getting off the phone and telling Phil what a moron Chad was for being a dip shit on his bike.  Right, then Carolynn - the one not prone to random hysterical outbursts - called me...hysterical.  She couldn't remember what road Sparrow hospital is on.  She was yelling and crying into the phone.  I finally got her to tell me what was wrong.  All she could manage to spit out was that they couldn't get him stablized. 

I remember hanging up the phone that time and gradually increasing my normal 80mph highway speed to 85.  I remember running through my head all the reasons why I had taken a hiatus from the family.  I remember thinking about everything I had missed.  I remember thinking my brother was going to die and I wasn't going to get there in time.

We all know I don't deal well with death.  I have never in my life felt so totally in control and in a complete state of sheer panic all at once.  I drove my car in silence crying.  I had no idea how I was going to push my way back into a family that I had pushed away 5(ish) years before, but I knew that I was going to try.  At that moment I needed them more than anything.

We got home at around 7.  At that point Carolynn had told me Chad was stable enough for them to airlift him to U of M.  We still didn't know what all was wrong with him, but we knew it wasn't good.  That may have been one of the longest nights of my life.  The multiple phone calls from sisters giving me updates or at least information or even just calling to cry.

Where the following 3(ish) weeks are a bit of a jumble, I still remember some of it.  I remember seeing him for the first time laying there with tubes sticking out everywhere and frickin metal bars poking out of his head.  I remember when he said "I love you" for the first time after the accident.  I have to tell you, nothing is more beautiful than those 3 words coming from someone you think you may never hear it from again.  I remember Jay - the most amazing nurse EVER - giving full information on what was wrong with Chad.  I remember the day they moved him to a different room - and crying my eyes out that he could actually look at and talk to us.  I remember the endless hours sitting in the waiting room with my sisters and knowing that even though I pushed them all away that they were still my sisters and that they loved me. 

I wish the accident had never happened - for all of our sakes but especially Chad's.  The thing is, that accident brought me back to some people that mean the world to me.  I don't want to think about how things would be if the end of the story was different.  All I know is my brother is alive and doing damn good and I have my family back.