No Tears in Heaven

I've been accused of loving too much - of caring too deeply.  I didn't think that was possible, but I'm beginning to think it's true.  Anyone who really knows me knows that when I love, I love with my entire being.  If you are a part of my life - truly - not just a casual acquaintance chances are, I would do damn near to anything for you. The flaw with this is that tragedy or loss cuts me right to  the core.  


I would like to think I can handle just about anything.  I've had multiple obstacles thrown in my way over the past 34 1/2 years and I've handled them.  Maybe I haven't handled them in the best way all the time, but I got past it.  The one thing I don't or can't seem to figure out how to deal with is death.  It is my biggest fear and one that hovers in my mind all the time.  I'm sure there are any number of reasons for this, and I am well aware that everyone dies, but that does not make it easier for me.  It is the one thing that cuts straight to my heart and is almost debilitating for me.  


My mom and I moved "up there" when I was almost 13.  I don't have hardly any good memories from the 5 years I spent there.  As a matter of fact, I despise it so much there that I avoid going there if at all possible.  The first three months we lived there I cried just about every day.  I wanted to live with my grandparents and go back to school with normal people - you know, people that didn't think it was a treat to go to the mall and "see a real live black person."  Yeah, this is the hell I lived in.  


Anyway, there were a chosen few people that made my life there easier. I made friends with our neighbors out back pretty quick.  I suppose some might think it odd as they were an elderly couple (my grandparents' age). BUT they saved me more than they will ever know.  I enjoyed sharing hot chocolate with Bill and Edna and had a great time chatting with them.  I helped them out around their yard.  They saved my dumb ass dog from her suicide attempts multiple times and they watched out for my mom for me after I moved to Lansing.  


I know my mom is a big girl and can take care of herself, but I'm kind of protective and I hated her living up there all by herself.  Bill and Edna were like my surrogate grandparents.  They treated me like a little adult and a grandchild and made me feel loved in a place where - other than my mom - I felt hated.  


I lost contact - or I should say, I stopped calling, quite a few years ago.  Basically, when I stopped going up there.  My mom kept me informed of how they were and any exciting news.  On the rare occasions that I did go up, I always stopped to say hi.  


My mom told me this morning that Bill passed away.  I am heart broken.  I know he is in a better place and that he is at peace, but as always, I crave that one last hug.


RIP Bill, you will be greatly missed and forever loved.