Dear John,

I've been pondering writing this for days.  Bringing myself to actually write it has been tough.  Part of me feels like writing it will make everything even more real than what it actually is.  But the other part of me feels like if I put it off, I will regret it.  Isn't living a good life about not having regrets?  So, here we are.

I remember when I met you - not the exact date, but a rough idea.  It was the summer of 2008.  We met in the Mayes' garage.  We were fresh out of competitive gymnastics (i.e., just learning what it was like to have a life) and I don't know how you guys got roped into hanging out.  In all honesty, you and I didn't exactly hit it off.  I don't know that we actually disliked each other (well maybe you didn't like me, idk) but we weren't fast friends.

Our friendship grew over these last 4 years.  I can't pinpoint the exact date - again, however, I can tell you that the first year our boys played football was a turning point in our friendship.  We started talking more, just you and I.  We had some GREAT conversations.  During those summer practices, I learned a lot about who you really were.  I learned to understand you more.  

You and I, we're a LOT different.  Basically, we are almost polar opposites.  We have different beliefs and different interests, but for some reason, none of that matters.  If anything, it gives us more interesting conversations and even more things to debate.  

Two years have passed since the boys started playing football.  In that two years, you became one of my very best friends.  That may sound cheesy, but it's true.  There are very few people on this planet that I trust enough to pour my heart out to and can tell damn near everything.  YOU are one of those few people.  I know that what I tell you will remain with you.  I know that you will not judge me based on my sometimes silly decisions or actions.  I know that regardless of what may be going on, you are always there for me.

When you were diagnosed a year ago, I was crushed, to say the least.  This is not unfamiliar territory for me, but it is territory I would rather not travel.  I had a few talks with Phil and a long talk with another good friend about what to do.  I won't lie, a huge part of me wanted to run away.  I wanted to stop talking to you because I didn't think I was strong enough to walk this road with you.  Honestly, I am still not sure I am strong enough.

That said, I am not walking away.  It took me a bit of soul searching, but in the end, I knew I was in for the long haul.  I am still here, where I will be, right up until the end.

You are an amazing man, John!  I don't know if those around you realize how amazing you are and I quite often don't think YOU realize how amazing you are. I am sad that our time together is limited.  I am broken hearted that you have to endure this God awful disease.  I wish that I could make it all go away and that we could just go back to hanging out at the Murphy's playing stupid games and laughing about Lance and his leg shaking.  

I can't.  I can't stop any of it.  I can't even slow it down.  What I can do is promise you that I will love you until the end of time.  I promise you that I will hold your hand and be with you every chance that I get.  

Thank you.  Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for loving me for who I am - as goofy as I am.  Thank you for accepting me.  Thank you for watching out for my kids and being a good friend to Phil.  Thank you for the endless laughs and the great times.  

From now until it is your time to move on, I will tell you I love you as often as I can!  I love you!

Jamie

We're doing something right

All too often as parents, we question whether we're doing it right.  The kids sass us and have attitude problems and pout and whine and argue.  Those are the moments we unfortunately focus on way too much.  Then there are moments like the one I just had that make me realize that we are doing something right.

Many people have judged me lately and labeled me an awful hateful person.  That's ok.  I've even had people comment on my parenting skills.  That's ok too.  I don't expect everyone to like me or agree with me - whatever.  Here's the thing, you can say what you want about me, but obviously, I am doing something right (with Phil of course) in regard to my children.

The girl just did a phone interview with a local news guy.  He was asking her all about the state cross country meet.  She was fabulous.  She sounded all grown up (made me tear up a bit).  She answered all of his questions and made a point of talking about her coaches and team.  I was very proud.

Then came that moment that pushed me beyond proud to something even more.  She hung up the phone and said, "I don't know if I talked about the team enough.  I don't know if I made it clear to him how important the team and my coaches are.  Do you think I emphasized them enough?  I feel like it's been all about me lately, but it's really about all of us."

Seriously?  That made my heart swell.  She did, in fact, speak of her team and coaches.  I was proud of her when she was speaking.  I am so beyond proud of raising a child who, while she is proud of what she has accomplished, she is wise enough to be humble as well.  She did not get there on her own.  While she may have run the race on her own, her teammates were there screaming their heads off for her.

So, for all of you AMAZING girls on that team - Courtney, Abbey, Mariah, Brittney, Amanda, Leanna, Stacy, Emily and ALL of the other girls - please know that Megan (and the rest of the Kline's) appreciate you and all of your hard work and dedication.  YOU push her as much as she pushes you.  And Coach Stafford - you're one in a million!  We love you!

By the numbers

So, I don't think some people actually understand the magnitude of yesterday. They ask how she did and I tell them she was amazing and got 92nd and they then say something along the lines of..."oh, well good job."  Like 92nd is a bad thing.  Let me break this down a bit for you....

92nd out of 228 girls in her division.  She was in the top 40%.  Still not impressed?

Ok, there was a grand total of 954 girls competing yesterday - that's all divisions.  She was 177th overall.  That's the top 18%.  Better?

In her division there were 40 freshman.  She was 18th overall. Once again, the top 45%.

How about this....there were 186 freshman and she was 28th overall.  That's the top 15%.

But let's take this one - there are roughly 595 girls cross country teams in the lower peninsula.  While a varsity team consists of 7 girls, only the top 5 scores count.  So, for the sake of argument, we're going to go with 5.  With all of those teams, that makes a total of 2975 girls attempting to make it to state.  Only 954 girls made it.  She was one of those 954.  That means she beat out roughly 2020 girls to get there.  How's that for impressive?

You, sir, are a....

Douche bag.  Yes, you are a douche bag.  Ok, so I might be a little bit OCD and little things might irritate the hell out of me.  I know this about myself.  I know that I'm a freak.  I can admit this about myself.  But there are just some things that seem to be common sense that people just don't get and I find it ludicrous.

Today's "douche bag of the day" is the owner of this lovely little gem....

Nice ride, isn't it??  Here's my bitch.  Can you see the sign back there?  The blue one?  No?  Well here.....

Yep, it says "COMPACT ONLY."  Seriously???  One would think that after what 6 or 7 years in school to become a doctor you would have learned what a compact car is.  An SUV is NOT a compact car.  The lower part of that sign reads something along the lines of...do not hang over the line, or something like that.  So let's take another look....

Yes, genius, you are MOST DEFINITELY over the damn line.  Now, if this were an incredibly large parking ramp, it might not be as big of a deal.  However, the driving lanes are very narrow.  So, for this dumb ass to be parked right on the damn corner, it's kind of an inconvenience to EVERYONE.  Even if you didn't learn what a compact car was during your bazillion years in school, I would have thought you would have learned to fricking read.

You, sir, are a douche bag.  If I had been driving one of the other cars, I may well have hit your stupid SUV, just for kicks.

Today...another typical day

Well, it's been a day.  Here's a recap.  Had to be up early this morning (6:45) to pick Meg and a friend of hers up from the church lock-in at the local YMCA.  Dropped off her friend and returned home.  Proceeded to crawl back into bed and sleep for a couple more hours.  Then got up and started to get around.  Had to wake Meg up at noon to have her get ready to go meet the cross country team to a trip to the regional course.  Dropped her off at 12:45.  Back home and got myself ready for the video shoot.

What video shoot?  I came up with this "brilliant" idea to do an anti-bullying video to a song that I think is fabulous.  So, today, a group of my wonderful friends and some of my family met us at a park so we could shoot part of the video.  Bout a half hour or so into shooting, my mom was't feeling so well.  She ended up sitting out.

The video moved on to another area of the park, but mom still wasn't well.  Ended up calling 911 and having an ambulance take her to the hospital.  In the end, the issue was that she was dehydrated and hadn't eaten enough today.  She's alright.  There were other issues that need to be addressed, but she is fine.  Added prayers would be appreciated.

Some of you may know that I have been incredibly stressed out lately.  Between work, my "haters," and a few other things, my stress level is stupid high.  Well, while I was waiting for Phil to pick me up from the hospital (I sent mom and Jen on their 2 1/2 hour trek back home), a woman walked over to chat with me.  (I was sitting outside on a bench)  The woman just started casually chatting with me.  

Her name is Shari.  She is from Florida.  She has no family here.  She came here a few months ago to work construction.  She got sick.  She's been in the hospital for a month.  She was diagnosed with brain, bone, and breast cancer.  The doctors have given her until Christmas.

It was when she showed me the burns from radiation that go from her left shoulder blade all the way down to about the middle of her chest (past where her left breast used to be) that I realized that my stressors are minor.  My stressors are so small and insignificant.  They at times seem so big and overwhelming for me but in the big scheme of things, they are all tolerable. 

This woman has strength like you wouldn't believe.  She admitted to being scared.  It was obviously a definite blow.  Apparently there are talks of sending her to U of M.  I will tell you this, though, while she is at my hospital, I will visit her daily.  If nothing else, I hope that I can make this path that God has chosen for her more tolerable.  I wish she could be with her family, but if that isn't going to be possible, I sure won't let her die alone.

So, tonight, while you are pondering all the shitty things that happen in your life, take a moment to love your family and friends.  Let them know how much they mean to you and realize that all the obstacles that get thrown in your way - are tolerable.  You can survive.  I know that my problems are not that big and that there are others suffering far more than me.  I am going to make an effort to make sure that at least this one person - knows that she is loved and appreciated.

The price of tea in Pakistan....

Right, so the title of this blog has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I have to say.  I figured it would discourage my shining fan club of haters from reading - although, if they do - ROCK ON.  I've determined today must be National Jackhole Day.  All of them are rising out of the woodwork and wreaking havoc. FANTASTIC!  Gives me something to blog about, now doesn't it?!  On the menu for today's blog?  Me.

Yep, that's right.  This is all about me.  Yesterday I was upset or angry or hurt or irate or a combination of all of those.  Then I realized (again) that with every good cause there will be naysayers.  I, of course, have my fair share of naysayers.  My "fan club" if you will, of haters.  The funny thing is, all of them profess to know me or to understand me.  Really?

Here's the thing.  I don't pretend to be anyone but who I am.  I am loud, outspoken, bitchy, sensitive, rude, judgmental, crude, obnoxious, goofy, silly, gassy, intelligent and loving.  Yes, loving.  If you are someone who means something to me, then you know that I love with everything I have.  I would do damn near to anything for those I love.  I will defend them, cry with them, hold them, laugh with them....you get the idea. I am also a bitch.  If I don't like you, it's usually obvious.  That's who I am.  Does that make me a perfect person?  HELL. NO.  Did I say in that description of myself that I was perfect?  No, I did not.  I'm not a perfect parent, person, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, granddaughter, dog owner, etc.  In no aspect of my life am I perfect.  I have PLENTY of flaws.  Many of them, highly unattractive.  It is what it is and I am who I am.  

I don't expect everyone to like me.  I don't care if everyone likes me.  What I don't like is for people to hate me or treat me like shit.  I don't like people who don't know me to judge me.  Many of you are still harboring ill will because of the deleted blog.  You are judging me based on what you read.  You are not judging me for who I am.  You also do not respect that everyone is allowed their own opinion.  Sorry - I'm not sorry.

I was told yesterday that I am a "joke."  That same person also made a comment to the affect of "if they really knew you."  You're right, if they AND YOU, really knew me then I'd give you a pass to take your shots at me.  Go ahead.  The thing is, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.  You only know what you're reading.  You only know what you see in a small part of my life.  You only know what you assume.

Another someone shared with me that a hater had posted that I should be ashamed of myself for creating the support page.  Really?  Since when is it a bad thing to support someone in need?  Or is the real problem that you think I'm a hypocrite?

Let me ask you this, do you act the exact same with a group of 10 year olds that you do when you're with your very best friends?  If you do, ok, rock on.  I don't.  When I'm with a group of 10 year olds, I'm a mom.  When I'm with a group of my very best friends or with all my bazillion sisters, I'm an idiot.  I belch and fart and swear like a sailor.  I shove jello shots in my shirt to save them for later.  Am I embarrassed?  Hell no!  Why should I be?  When I'm with the people who love me, why can't I let go?

That's what my blog is.  I let go.  You don't like it?  I don't give a shit.  YOU don't have to read it.  Yes, I am all warm and fuzzy on the support page.  I am busting my ass to bring awareness to something that is plaguing this world.  I am busting my ass to ensure that kids and adults all over DON'T have to feel how I feel right now.  

Basically, what I'm saying is - to my "fan club" - whatever.  Hate on, kids.  While it may hurt me and piss me off, I know deep down that what you think and what you say doesn't matter and no one really cares.

I conformed....

Yep, you read it right, I conformed.  I gave in to the haters. I bowed to what they wanted.  I have to admit I'm pretty embarrassed and actually ashamed of myself.  No, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of my blog.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't have the balls to leave it up. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed what someone else thought try to change me.

Here's the thing.  I posted the blog.  That blog was true for me.  Did you read that - FOR ME.  I didn't call out the town because I don't want people to pass judgment on it because of what I said.  Experience it yourself.  My blogs are just that - mine.  YOU don't have to read them.  You do have to click on it to read it.  Why in God's name you would click on it when it was titled "FUCK YOU" and think it was going to be some mushy gushy stuff, I don't know.  Not my problem.

I got a lot of hate mail.  To be honest, I laughed.  We are each entitled to our own opinions.  I respect that you have one - respect mine. You don't have to agree with me.  I'm totally ok with you not agreeing with me.  But I am allowed to have my own opinion. The one that did me in - and there was only one....was someone I had great respect for.  Someone who was unlike the rest and did not judge based on (I thought) what people believed.  This person shared with me how hateful and angry I was.  Here's the thing - I was pissed when I wrote it, but the reality is, I was pissed for that moment.  

Oddly enough, I'm not an angry person.  Although I play it well.  Anyway, because of that one person and how deeply hurt I was by him, I deleted the blog.  Then I got to thinking.  The more I thought, the more pissed I got.  Here's the thing - I get it.  You're pissed because I walked into your house and called you out.  I called you out to this little blog world in all your foulness.  Lemme ask you this, though, put this in a real life perspective...

Had I literally walked into your house - left and blogged about how nasty you are, would you have just sent me hate mail?  Would you have just passed it off as me being a psycho?  Would you have yelled about what an angry person I am (ironic I must say that you were YELLING about me being angry)? 

Or would you have done all of those AND turned around and looked at your house to see if there really was something wrong?  Wouldn't you want to ensure that I was just a raving lunatic?  Wouldn't you want to assure yourself that my claims were invalid?

Not one of you took the time to do that.  YOU judged me because I judged your "house." I judged your "house" based on MY experiences there.  Last time I checked, we all have different experiences.  That's why I'm totally ok with you loving your house.  That's fantastic - I'm GLAD you have good memories and great experiences.  No sarcasm - straight from the heart.  That's great.  BUT before you run around talking about how none of what I said is true - maybe you should check.

Just sayin.