Everyday I'm strugglin'

So, it's pretty common knowledge to those closest to me that I have been in a funk for about, oh gosh, I don't know - 3 weeks now. It's rough.  The worst part is, it's not a generic funk.  I can pinpoint exactly what the issues are.  The problem is, I can't figure out how to fix them.  

I can tell you first and foremost that I am sick and fucking tired of people bitching at me for having a rough day (ok week....well fine, a few weeks, but who's counting?!).  I. AM. ONLY. HUMAN.  Here's the thing, I have not ever said that my life is worse than anyone elses.  I have not ever said that my life is so terrible that I can't go on.  What I have said and am saying is that it is incredibly overwhelming right now and I don't know how to handle it. So, if you're reading this and you are now pondering telling me to suck it up cuz you know people who have issues far worse....save it.  I don't care and I don't want to hear it. 

Second, I quoted a song with the title of this blog - well sort of....the real words are "everyday I'm shufflin'" but I thought mine fit.  I am so fucking tired of struggling.  I am tired of trying to do everything right and nothing ever working out.  Everything is always a struggle.  Nothing is EVER easy.  I, well we, can't catch a fucking break.  Am I really that bad of a person?

Third, I despise being jealous, but I am.  I am jealous as hell of those who do not struggle.  Those who do not have to wonder what bills to put off so that the children can be fed.  Or those who can randomly go away for a weekend without having to think of the repercussions.  

Finally, I fucking hate being in a funk.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate that I am blogging about it and putting my whiney ass bullshit out here for the world.

Bah.

Wow. Did that just happen?

Ok, well.  Gosh, I don't even know how to start this.  Let me start by saying, those of you who know me - really know me - know that I find somethings that are rather, well, shall we say tasteless?? - rather funny.  Those of you that know my family know what makes us (well three of us) laugh.  We burp.  We fart.  We might even have unofficial contests.  HOWEVER, ya gotta draw the line at some point.

Why must I blog about this?  Ha.  Let me share the conversation I just had.  I had to call a patient to get information that the hospital failed to get (as usual).  So, I call the patient and this is how the conversation goes...

Me:  "May I speak to Nas T. Ass?"

Patient:  "This is Nas T. Ass."

Me:  " Good morning, Mr. Nas T. Ass, I am calling from this fine establishment to get some information in regard to the thing you had.  We were given blah blah blah, but need blah blah blah."  (Sorry, HIPAA - gotta be careful)

Patient:  "Crap."  Long pause.  "Well, I can get you that information..." (Oh how I wish he had ended the sentence right there.) "But, I'm in the hospital right now, as we speak, on the toilet."

Me:  Dead silence.  Holding back a snort.  "Ok, Mr. Nas T. Ass, I'll give you a call again in a few days."

I, of course, then hung up the phone and just sat here at my desk staring at it.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  WHO ANSWERS THEIR CELL PHONE WHILE SITTING ON THE SHITTER?!?!?  AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE STILL IN THE DAMN HOSPITAL.

I have zero faith in humanity.

My mom nominated me...

So, my mom was nominated for the Liebster Blog Award.  Her blog explains what it is.  (Nevermind that you should check out her blog anyway...just sayin') She, in turn decided to nominate my blog (which is a tiny bit silly only because I believe it is an award for nice people, which I think I have proven I am not.  She also nominated a few other people that I know such as my friend Andy, and my friend, Jen, and this great new author, Wilson Jennings. 


I guess along with the nomination comes some questions that you are expected to answer....so, here are my answers - although I have not yet decided whether or not I will answer seriously or sarcastically.

1) What is your biggest dream?

This is a really tough question for me.  I can tell you what my dreams were 18 years ago...I wanted to graduate from college with a double major and double minor.  My hopes were to one day own my own dance studio.  Over the years, my dreams have changed.  I will always love to dance, but that's not my dream anymore. To be honest, I don't know that I have a "personal" dream anymore which is in itself, rather depressing.  I may have to revisit that at some point.  However, my dreams at this point center around my children and what my hopes and dreams are for them.

2) Do you have a plan for making it happen?

LOL - well, I guess in regard to my children, sure.  I have all kinds of plans to figure out how to help them succeed.

3) What keeps you going when you want to give up?

Mountain Dew, of course.  What else could possibly keep me going?  Seriously?  My family.

4)Who are your favorite musicians and why?

Oh Lord, I can't answer this question in just one blog.  I have a very diverse interest in music.  I like just about everything and I don't know that I have an absolute favorite or favorites.  It depends on the day or my mood.

5) If you could invite anyone at all to dinner who would it be and why?

Do you mean someone famous?  Gosh, I don't know.  Smart ass answer?  Will Smith or Shemar Moore or Sean Connery, Jason Terry or Mark Cuban.  Why?  Cuz they are dead sexy and I would of course propose.

Seriously?  The Queen of England.  I admire her and her grace.

6) What's one thing you'd like to change about the world?

Stupid people.  I would like to change the amount of stupid people who populate the earth.

7)What is one small thing you can change?

Stupid people.  Well, I could if someone would just give me a damn taser...

8) Where do you see yourself in five years?

HA.  That's a darn fine question.  Probably where I am now - still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

9) Who do you most admire and why?

Whoa - another long list.  Mostly, I admire myself and my insane beauty, remarkable intelligence, and charming personality.  *choke*  Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Reality?  My mother - for showing me that hard work pays off and for proving that one person can make a difference in someone's life.  She is by far one of the most amazing women on this planet.

My grandparents - for their dedication to each other and their family and for loving us all unconditionally.

My husband - for overcoming major obstacles and finding himself.

My children - for showing me life through their innocent eyes.

10) What one thing about yourself would you share?

I am really not that interesting.

11) Which is more important making millions or making a change?

Change - duh.  However, it would be easier to make a change with millions ;)  Just sayin....