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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Prayer

Dear Lord,


So, we've had this kind of odd relationship over the past, oh I don't know, 20 years, but it sorta works for us.  Anyways, recently we've been talking more, mostly because I've been kind of, well, lost again.  It happens, I know and thanks, by the way, for the guidance.


Here's the thing, I need to ask a favor now and it's a pretty big one.  I know I ask the same basic thing pretty much every night, but this time I'm going to be a bit more specific.  I've got this friend, one of my best friend's actually, probably the best guy friend I have.  He's a bit outspoken and I jokingly call him my boyfriend and he's just a really great guy.  He loves you and his family and is the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back if it would help you out.


Anyhoo, you kind of threw him an obstacle.  We all appreciate your obstacles as we realize they make us stronger, but this one is pretty hefty and he - well all of us actually - could use your help.  Please take hold of John and his family and hold them close.  Please keep him safe and guide him through this.  Help us all to help his family through this and let them know that we love them all and will do anything in our power for them. 


Finally, I realize this is selfish and totally unfair to say and I also realize that there are many many people who have experienced far worse, but please please heal this man as he means the world to me.


Thanks.


Amen 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

And it continues

It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to put up a good solid brick wall, some people still manage to break through it and hurt me.  I'm pretty good and keeping people out.  There are only a handful of people who actually really know me.  There's a reason for that.  I'm way too sensitive.  I'm a firm believer that if you let people too close, they will inevitably hurt you.  So, I keep most people at arms length.  Chances are if you think you really know me, you're wrong.  There are 3 people on the planet that I tell everything to - and that's it. 

I determined that as much as I try to bury the little girl begging for acceptance that it will never happen.  That little girl doesn't want acceptance from everyone, just that one person.  You know, the one person she will never get it from.  I see the relationship that Megan has with Phil and am jealous as hell.  What little girl doesn't want that adoring father? 

18 years have gone by since I met him for the first time.  Why it took until I was 17 to meet him and why I had to go looking for him is annoying in and of itself, but it is what it is.  The fact that over the past 18 years I have spent more time hurting because of him is ludicrous.  And just when I think that I'm ok and that nothing can hurt me, it happens again.

Why I allow this to continue happening, I don't know.  I'm obviously not as strong as I pretend to be.  There are some people who will read this and defend him.  The thing is, you can defend him until the day you die, but the bottom line is - it's bullshit.  He "loves" only those that are constantly in his face.  That's why he loves you in his own sick and demented way.  That's why he loves the youngest and the oldest two - they are around him.  The rest of us are not. 

It's funny that the ones he probably hurt the most are the ones who are for the most part at peace with it.  I'm the odd ball.  I'm the one that as hard as I try that can't get past it.  I'm the one that continues to question (like a two year old) why?  What is wrong with me?  Why am I never good enough?  I busted my ass for a while to try and make him love me.  In the end, it's never enough.

And then today - when for the first time in almost 35 years he shows up for a court hearing and speaks with my mother he never even asked how I was doing.  He didn't even think to ask about my kids - his grandkids that he hasn't seen in years - or my life.  Why?  Well, that's pretty obvious isn't it?  I still don't matter.

And, as usual, my heart breaks and I cry.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dear Mel,

You would think that I would forget the little things.  I wonder if normal people do?  It is hard to believe that it has been two years.  There are times when I wish I could have said good-bye.  Then I remember what that's like and am glad I didn't.  I remember the last time I spoke to you.  You were still in the hospital and your voice was barely a whisper.  The thing that sticks out in my mind the most is that you were still fighting.  As weak as you sounded, you still refused to give in.  I can honestly say, you never gave in.  You did make the decision to go home and I'm glad.  As much as it hurts to say that, I'm glad you did.  I know in my heart that you are no longer in pain and that you're happy.  I think it seriously stinks that your home now is so far away from us, but it's best for you.

Two years ago today I received that dreaded text message.  Two years ago today I sat on the phone with Sally and cried.  Pretty sure I also cursed you for me leaving me to figure out how to raise "our" son.  Two years ago I ran away to Grand Haven with my sister and her boyfriend with Phil and the kids to try and escape the hurt for a few hours.  Then I hopped in the car and took that dreaded trip to Texas.

I miss you, girly!  I wish you were here.  I know in spirit you are and that you will always live in our hearts, but there are moments when I sure could use your peppy positive attitude and outlook on life.  I'm sure you are amazed and proud of Eric.  He definitely did a lot of growing up over the past couple of years.  There are still moments when I wish you were here to help me figure out how to guide him.  Not that he needs it, but it's what moms do.

I am so thankful that we went to San Diego and had that time together. Those are memories no one can take away from me and that I don't have to share. 

Rest in peace, my friend, you may be gone, but will never be forgotten.

I love you.

Love,
Jamie

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Motorcycle Irony

So, most of you know I've spent years (almost 20) having issues with motorcycles.  Obviously, those of you who are friends of mine on facebook have seen I recently had a change of heart.  I find it ironic that in reading the required text for my current marketing class that the example they used had to do with Harley Davidson.  I'm going to post it here because I find it insanely interesting and so true...


"Who rides a Harley?  You might be surprised. Motorcycles are attracting a new breed of riders - older more affluent, and better educated. 'While the outlaw bad-boy biker image is what we might typically associate with Harley riders' says an analyst, 'they're just as likely to be CEOs and investment bankers.' 'You take off the leathers and the helmet and you'll never know who you'll find' says one hard-core Harley enthusiast, himself a former New York City producer. 'We're a varied lot...America, at it's very best...a melting pot.' The average Harley customer is a 47-year old male with a median household income of $82,000. Today, women make more than 12% of Harley purchases."  


It goes on for a bit and then, "The research revealed seven core customer types: adventure-loving traditionalists, sensitive pragmatists, stylish status seekers, laid-back campers, classy capitalists, cool-headed loners and cocky misfits."


Not sure where I fit in all that, but whatever.  I just thought it was funny and rather ironic that the girl who swore off bikes and now loves them is also now reading about them in a marketing class. 


Ref:  Armstrong, G., Kotler, P., 2009. Marketing. An Introduction, Ninth Edition, Prentice Hall, Inc.